The Social Detox

“I’m sick of your sister—and her attitude. What’s wrong with her anyway?” 

“You should try  to build a friendship with her..”

I replied angrily, “That’s easy for you to say! “Guys look at relationships differently.” I was realizing that during our wedding ceremony rehersal, when I’d vowed to stick with my husband-to-be “for better or for worse,” the latter part included his obnoxious sister.

Sound familiar?  Both you and the Posh- Beckhams have something in common.  Finding excuses to avoid them. Victoria fails to turn up for her sister-in-law Lynne’s wedding, saying she’s ‘busy’ recording.  You may not be recording, like Victoria but “busy” has always been the response to avoid them.

Your sister-in-law might remind you of Courtney Love.  For this Attention Tart (a.k.a your sister-in-law) there’s no such thing as bad attention.  They’ll do anything and know no boundaries.  A mild case might be making a habit of dressing inappropriately, no matter the place.  This type is the product of rejection, ironically, and when their history of rejection is combined with a strong will and fierce independance, these terminally insecure insecure sister-in-law confront their insecurities by making it impossible to ignore them.  It’s like driving by a car wreck; you can’t help but look.

But it’s now time to make changes of this dynamic. Time to swallow back any angry response and start to SOCIAL DETOX. Even though it’s hard.  Very hard.  No matter if her only aim is to steal our limelight.  She’s the one that talks about herself for hours, never asks how you’re doing (unless she needs something) and creates a new silly drama everyday. She’s a drain and a drag, but you can’t imagine how to change the dynamic.  The SOCIAL DETOX will show you how. Here’s three easy steps to purge out the dramas and create a healthy one:

1. Find a neutral territory - Listen carefully to her interests. Gulp. I know this will be challenging and somewhat annyoing.  But,  weed out what’s imporant.  Know her smallest interests,  and commit to activity every two weeks, so that she’s less tense and more willing to communicate without her bi-polar behaviours.  You might even be surprised of how similar you both are.  Achieve small victories, will start the right path to a better relationship.

2. Set boundaries - Don’t be afraid to remind your sister-in-law of the set boundaries if she falls back into her habits.  Just remember to be non-confrontational, and smile. The more welcoming you are, the less she will be on her guarded moments.

3. Readjust the scale - If you want to preserve this “friendship” you need to readjust this frienship scale.  You can start by saying something like, “I sometimes get the feeling you are not listening to me; and it’s upsetting.” Be direct and honest without the tears and the tantrums - that’s her style, not yours.

According to socialite and fashionista, Olivia Palmero, these must-haves of fashionably fun items are sure to wow even your most difficult-to-please friendships.

,

1. Alexis Bittar Miss Havisham-Aster Crystal Encrusted Bracelet, $275

2. Angel Feet One Hour Reflexology Session, $115

3. New York Times Wine Club Sampler, starting at $59.95

4. Miu Miu Patent Nappa Leather iPad Case, $380

5. Baccarat Corolle Vase, $230

6. Mont Blanc Boheme Arabesque Azur Rollerball, $975

7. Hermes Bolide Travel Case, $325

8. Flowers ( we recommend Gramercy Flowers in NYC)

9. Rani Arabella Herringbone and Ribbing Throw, $995

10. Bond No. 9 Peace Offering Gift Set, $430

11. Smythson Bijou Organiser, $545

12. MOMA Membership, $85

13. Michael Aram Pomegranate Double Nut Bowl, $119

What do you and The Real Housewives of Vancouver have in common? We all have the same type of friends as the cast members. Jody Claman (whose personal style is all about huge jewelry and furs, thus reminding me a bit of Miss Piggy), Mary Zilba (former beauty queen/singer who I’m guessing will be the “nice” one), Christina Kiesel (the “young one” who gets birthday botox at home from a dentist named Dr. Doug), Ronnie Seterdahl Negus (the “bitchy one” who buys Christina an unfunny “goldigger/hooker” t-shirt for her birthday), and Reiko Mackenzie (who, despite the aforementioned scandalous history and a penchant for Ferraris, struck me as the most well-adjusted). All are strong personalities with an air of entitlement.

Have you ever felt like you were in the same episode last week when Jody broke Christina down into pieces for not wanting to work (Christina claims earning spousal support from two ex-husbands involved plenty of “work”) and Mary for sleeping with her ex (which Jody thinks is a sign that Mary is weak and “needs therapy”), while Mary’s frenemy Ronnie looks on and Reiko acts uncomfortable. Just the thought of this re-run makes me feel as if I had just eaten processed, heavy foods -  sluggish, irritated, and simply not ourselves.

You see, when you’re surrounded by toxic personalities, the burden can be even heavier, simply because you’re not conscious of what’s making you sick. Confronting these time-sucking social bullies is like finally returning to the gym and getting your cardio routine back to where it should be. Finally, the endorphin rush floods through your system and you feel like you can accomplish

So how do move away from this dynamic and start to get real about our friendships with women?

Solution: Let’s start by consciously getting out of the ugly, competitive game that certain “friendships” demand.  Make it clear that kindness is not mistaken for weakness. 

Detox Daily:  People are less inclined to purge the toxic personalities that crowd their lives than they are to excise sugar and carbs from their diets. Surprising isn’t? Therefore, change your psychology. Stop internalizing jabs from your bestie—call her on it.  What if she offers not-so-friendly advice? Tell her she was out of line - in a calm, firm tone.  What if she even watched you quietly squirm while getting verbally abused openly in front of a crowd? Graciously take control of YOUR situation and stand up for YOURself - with poise and well mannered words, of course  (because you DO have a voice).  And although you should never wait for others to stand up for you, even if she is afteral, your best friend. Call her on it again. Tell her that you would have liked her support while getting fed to the lioness.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” - Dr. Seuss

This is one of my favourite quotes not only because of its fun tongue-twistered riddles remembered from my youth, but also of its truth. Often in friendships, women become so consumed in maintaining such close connections that they fail to recognize the real connection — as any woman knows — the ultimate and loyal BFF. But to what expense?

We hold onto images of great girlfriends like Lucy and Ethel and Thelma and Louise in hopes that we too can have the same dynamic. The lengths we stride for our friends (Sigh). Maybe is Yes. No is Yes. And Yes is Yes. We over-commit, over-consume and even over-indulge just to avoid status to change: BFFs from becoming BEEs (bitter eternal enemies). This seems more accurate than those musty, bygone tokens of sisterhood, doesn’t it?

Detox Daily: How to make it work: Listen to your body. If you have ever felt the sting of a friendship ulcer when you introduce two pals and later find out that they’re planning a road trip to a yoga retreat (one in which you had suggested to her months ago—yes, that one) and forgot to include you? OY! Instead of scheming up a retaliation plan or even start bickering with your bestie, listen to what those feelings really mean. Vocalize, don’t internalize them.